Ice Planet Barbarians

Author: Ruby Dixon

Published: April 3, 2015 by Ruby Dixon

HEA: yes

Cheating: I don’t think he’d know what that is

Wet Panty Meter: 4. I’ll go 4 on this one.

Review: Somewhere, in some bar, there’s a person with their head on the bar and slurring their speech to the bartender. They’re saying, “I used to have it, man. I used to be able to identify big authors and works that would make the company money. But, I passed on it. I passed on the blue alien porn. It was the penis horn that did it, man. I didn’t think readers would like the penis horn,” he (or she) says while shaking their head. “I passed on sheer genius. Just put me down next to the asshole that passed on Harry Potter.”

Newsflash: Penis horns are in. Apparently, they can rub the clit from the front and the butthole from the back. Ruby Dixon found an entirely untapped market, and is probably somewhere looking at her bank statement laughing and murmuring, “Fuck you for not liking my peen horn idea!”

Legend has it that Ruby Dixon is a pen name for an author that traditionally publishes with a publishing company. However, when she ran the idea for this book past the powers that be, the publisher rejected it. She made up a pen name and self-published it to…..crickets. At least for awhile. Someone found it on TikTok, and people started gobbling it up like it was candy. True or not, this book is self-published.

Picture it- I’m having dinner at my friend’s house. She calls her sister and mentions to her sister that I’m over having dinner. Her sister, who knows I’m the smutty book lady, then says, “Tell her to read and review Ice Planet Barbarians. She needs to review it for her blog.”

She also said something about wanting credit for pointing it out…so here you go, Allison.

I did some research. I checked out the TikToks on it. If nothing else, this book got me on TikTok and started the hilarious process of a middle-aged woman figuring out TikTok, but that’s a different blog.

I went over to GR and Amazon to book stalk it. There are THOUSANDS of reviews for this thing. Only a small percentage of readers take the time to review books. If there are thousands of reviews, this book is big shit popping.

So I pick it up off of Kindle Unlimited.

It’s a damn quick read at only 188 pages, but let’s really dig into this.

First, there’s our female MC, Georgie. She’s 22 and taken by aliens in the middle of the night along with a few other women. These aren’t nice aliens by any means. They’re a bit rapey, and there should be a trigger warning on this book for any victims of sexual assault. They also don’t feed the ladies the best, and it looks like they collected the women for some type of interstellar sex trafficking. They’re big douche nozzles.

Something happens, and the aliens need to dump their cargo, so they dump the women on a planet the women describe as Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. Commence Georgie being voted designated leader and going out into the frigid snow to see if she can find help. She’s probably voted the leader because Georgie, for a female heroine in a romance novel, actually has her shit together.

This is where it gets good. She meets Vektal, our male MC, who is blue, ridged in strategic places and really likes saying hello to Georgie when they first meet. Apparently, eating pussy is like a totally fine greeting in his culture.

I won’t spoil the book by telling you word for word what happens in the middle and end. Let’s just say that Vektal is the chief of a man-heavy tribe without female mates but with lots of furs. Georgie just happens to have some hot 22-year-old friends back at the ship that need warm coverings. Ya dig?

I loved the sex scenes. They were smoking hot even if there were 2 humans involved. Throw in one of the partners having a ridged penis and a penis horn, and the entire scene evolves into the reader thinking, “I wonder what that feels like?”

There were a few moments that made me wonder what the heck was happening. For example, they can all understand each other’s languages at the end of the book. The explanation on that was a bit..???

All in all, this book was F.U.N. I get why there’s such a huge following for it. There are over 20 books in the series, so she must have really had some great feedback on her crotch horn book. The good news with that is that, if you like it, you can read the series for the next couple of years straight.

Ruby Dixon will probably keep writing more and more of these until the money horse dies. Under current law, at least for US authors, her grandchildren will be able to collect royalties for 70 years after her death. They’ll come into this world screaming and blinded by strange light as a woman coos above the children saying, “You’re set, kid. Grandma made asstons of money writing about blue dick.”

Good for her. Slow clap, Ruby.

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